Who I Am?

Until the other night, the last time I cried was at the funeral of a friend.

I’m supposed to be in Paraguay as a Peace Corps Volunteer but I began having seizures just days before my departure and I was placed on medical hold for the next year. Each time I have another seizure, the clock gets reset.

So instead of Paraguay, I’m home.

Joining the Peace Corps has been something I’ve wanted to do for nearly a decade. It’s the reason I decided to go to college and earn a degree in Environmental Science. It’s why I got rid of nearly everything I’ve ever owned.

But I don’t think I really realized just how important joining the Peace Corps was for me until the other night when I sat alone in the dark, crying for the first time in years, thinking about my life and how nothing was what I’d expected it to be.

Not going to Paraguay as a Peace Corps Volunteer has destroyed my self-esteem and my identity. I’m left wondering about the future and questioning who I am. What will my life purpose be now? Will the world in which I’m surrounded be all there is to life … to work at a meaningless job so I can earn a paycheck to buy stupid shit I don’t need?

I want to be remembered for the wake of beauty I’ve left behind … not the trail of discarded objects from a life of mindless self-indulgence, consumption and materialism.

There has to be something more … and I believe I may have found it.

3 thoughts on “Who I Am?

  1. your posts here have inspired many people… i hope you can persevere through all of this and come out the other side stronger, happier, and more fulfilled than ever before.

  2. That’s hard. To be so close, yet so far away from something you’ve wanted for so long. I might cry if I was in that situation too.

    You got to keep going though. I’ve often wondered if my life would be nothing more than mindless consumption leaving a trail of discarded objects. Just keep working on things that are meaningful to you.

  3. I am sorry about your health. I’ve been there. For me, it was an eye opening reality. I always wanted to do big things, trying to change the world, people. I realized that little things count too, and sometime they are more important than saving the world. So, what is it that you found? I am eager to find out:)

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