Sometimes it has to Hurt

At some point in the past, you gave up control of your life and ended up here.

But now what?

How the hell do you change it?

After being in a relationship for many years, I couldn’t do it anymore. On the surface, our relationship was perfect. Outside looking in, no one knew I wasn’t happy. People only saw what I wanted them to see. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t in love. I didn’t want to disappoint them.

So when I decided to leave, it hurt a lot of people.

My family. Her family. Friends.

It hurts to lose the people in the periphery of life; the people I’d grown to care about over time. When I heard that the children were asking why I wasn’t at Thanksgiving that year, it tore me up inside. I still think about them often and wonder how they’re doing.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care … I just wanted to be happy.

And my need to be happy … to feel love … hurt a lot of people.

It wasn’t a decision made in an instant. I’d struggled for years trying to convince myself that I could fall in love, yet it never happened. Lie as I might, love isn’t something I could force myself to do.

The pain I caused has no doubt faded, and I know now that leaving was best for everyone. I was able to find love and leaving also allowed love to find my ex. It was something she deserved that I wasn’t able to give her.

The point is, change usually means doing shit that hurts like hell.

It’s easy to fall into a routine and get comfortable. Even if things haven’t worked out quite like we thought they would … even if we aren’t happy. We just accept our situation as if we have no control over it. We allow ourselves to become powerless and afraid to change. Victims of circumstance. We convince ourselves that our dreams are too dangerous; that it’s better to just “play it safe.”

Our dreams become just dreams…

Whatever you want out of life, you have to make it happen.

Even if it hurts.

Especially if it hurts…

It’s been my experience that it’s often the things in life we’re most afraid of that are most worth doing. It still hurts to know how much I hurt so many people that I care about.

It still feels selfish to have hurt other people just so I could be happy.

But sometimes it has to hurt.

Sometimes it’s worth the pain.

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