I don’t know where to begin.
I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life.
I’ve been taught to believe I control my life. That I can become the person I want to become. That I can experience the things I want to experience. That I can live the life I want to live. Fuck who I want to fuck.
That I can control everything. All of it.
And I can.
I control my life. I control my actions and they determine the results. I can go to school and work hard to get good grades so I can find a job that pays me well. I can find the perfect girl and live in the house with the white picket fence. I control where I vacation and what experiences I have in my life.
I control everything.
So maybe I haven’t been lied to…
Maybe I’ve just been misled into believing that having that control is the best way to experience life. Control allows me to live comfortably. I’m able to craft every detail of my daily existence precisely how I want it to be. No surprises.
Control gives me comfort.
I never have to leave my comfort zone. I can view the world through my own experiences … the ones I want to have for myself. Control is comfort.
I never have to do anything I don’t want to. I control that.
But what am I missing out on in my life by controlling everything I do?
What if I just let go and let life lead me instead of always trying to control life?
What if I just … let go?
* * *
Post inspired by this scene in the movie Fight Club
Until the other night, the last time I cried was at the funeral of a friend.
I’m supposed to be in Paraguay as a Peace Corps Volunteer but I began having seizures just days before my departure and I was placed on medical hold for the next year. Each time I have another seizure, the clock gets reset.
So instead of Paraguay, I’m home.
Joining the Peace Corps has been something I’ve wanted to do for nearly a decade. It’s the reason I decided to go to college and earn a degree in Environmental Science. It’s why I got rid of nearly everything I’ve ever owned.
But I don’t think I really realized just how important joining the Peace Corps was for me until the other night when I sat alone in the dark, crying for the first time in years, thinking about my life and how nothing was what I’d expected it to be.
Not going to Paraguay as a Peace Corps Volunteer has destroyed my self-esteem and my identity. I’m left wondering about the future and questioning who I am. What will my life purpose be now? Will the world in which I’m surrounded be all there is to life … to work at a meaningless job so I can earn a paycheck to buy stupid shit I don’t need?
I want to be remembered for the wake of beauty I’ve left behind … not the trail of discarded objects from a life of mindless self-indulgence, consumption and materialism.
There has to be something more … and I believe I may have found it.
Maybe you’ve noticed that it’s been quiet around Hundred Goals recently.
I’m supposed to be in Paraguay saving the world. Life had other plans for me. Instead of a Peace Corps volunteer, I’m an epileptic. I had my first seizure five days before my departure for Paraguay and because of this I’ve been placed on medical hold for a year. Maybe I should rephrase that, as it’s not entirely accurate; to be medically cleared to become a Peace Corps volunteer, I have to be seizure-free for a year. Since I had my second seizure (officially making me an epileptic) just a few nights ago, I’ve reset the clock.
But I haven’t let not leaving for Paraguay stop me from making other changes in my life.
I’ve decided to end my relationship with Erin. It was a decision I made after years of feeling emotionally sedated and after having spent those same years trying to convince myself that I would eventually fall in love with her. I’ve realized that love isn’t something you can force yourself into feeling. And love is something we all deserve; both to love and to be loved. She deserves better than I was capable of giving her.
Leaving Erin meant finding a place of my own to live. After being homeless for a while (but thanks to friends, never without a place) I found an apartment on the other side of town where I and my few belongings now reside. It doesn’t feel like home. It might not for a long time…
And I’ve met someone new. I’ve known her for a while but we only recently began having a relationship. I can already feel myself falling for her and I know that as time goes on I will only fall further in love than I am already. Intellectually it feels strange being in love so soon after leaving a relationship, but emotionally it couldn’t feel more perfect … and I think that’s exactly how love is supposed to be. The mind only complicates matters of the heart.
As I adjust to my new life, I expect to remain a bit reclusive. I’m enjoying my time away from the digital world…
Some people only ever talk about changing their lives. I’m doing it.