Author Archives: Steven

Meaning

20 November 2012

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Hundred Goals is a blog about creating an amazing life by doing incredible things.

Since I began blogging about my adventures, from jumping out of an airplane to meeting Marilyn Manson, my life has changed in ways I cannot even begin to describe. I’ve had an amazing life, and I promise you can have exactly the same if you simply create a list of all the crazy, exciting and strange things you someday hope to accomplish during your life … and then set out to do each and every one of them.

But what Hundred Goals has been missing, and maybe what I’ve been confusing with an amazing life, is a meaningful one.

I’ve come to realize that a meaningful life isn’t about bungee jumping or running marathons. And it has little to do with visiting remote corners of the world or eating bizarre foods. Sure, these experiences will open your eyes to the world around you and will help you grow as a person. But it’s you who’s gained something by doing these things. You’ve given nothing in return … and that is the key to a meaningful life.

None of this is meant to discount the importance of having goals in life.

I still believe that overcoming your fear of jumping out of an airplane will help you build confidence and that climbing a mountain is a great way to prove to yourself that you have the inner strength and fortitude to overcome any obstacles you’ll encounter in life. But a meaningful life isn’t about you. It’s about the positive impact you have on other people.

Show the people you love that you love them and don’t forget to tell them often. Speak politely … and less often. Listen more. Don’t brag. Volunteer in your community. Repair broken relationships with the people who matter. Accept others imperfections. Don’t be so demanding. Remember, it’s not always about you. Forgive the people who’ve hurt you and apologize to those who you’ve hurt.

You aren’t going to be remembered for that trip to Dracula’s Castle or the time you swam with a dolphin. You’ll be remembered for what you’ve done for others and the way you made them feel.

Be kind to one another.

Who I Am?

6 November 2012

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Until the other night, the last time I cried was at the funeral of a friend.

I’m supposed to be in Paraguay as a Peace Corps Volunteer but I began having seizures just days before my departure and I was placed on medical hold for the next year. Each time I have another seizure, the clock gets reset.

So instead of Paraguay, I’m home.

Joining the Peace Corps has been something I’ve wanted to do for nearly a decade. It’s the reason I decided to go to college and earn a degree in Environmental Science. It’s why I got rid of nearly everything I’ve ever owned.

But I don’t think I really realized just how important joining the Peace Corps was for me until the other night when I sat alone in the dark, crying for the first time in years, thinking about my life and how nothing was what I’d expected it to be.

Not going to Paraguay as a Peace Corps Volunteer has destroyed my self-esteem and my identity. I’m left wondering about the future and questioning who I am. What will my life purpose be now? Will the world in which I’m surrounded be all there is to life … to work at a meaningless job so I can earn a paycheck to buy stupid shit I don’t need?

I want to be remembered for the wake of beauty I’ve left behind … not the trail of discarded objects from a life of mindless self-indulgence, consumption and materialism.

There has to be something more … and I believe I may have found it.

Intermission

23 October 2012

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Maybe you’ve noticed that it’s been quiet around Hundred Goals recently.

I’m supposed to be in Paraguay saving the world. Life had other plans for me. Instead of a Peace Corps volunteer, I’m an epileptic. I had my first seizure five days before my departure for Paraguay and because of this I’ve been placed on medical hold for a year. Maybe I should rephrase that, as it’s not entirely accurate; to be medically cleared to become a Peace Corps volunteer, I have to be seizure-free for a year. Since I had my second seizure (officially making me an epileptic) just a few nights ago, I’ve reset the clock.

But I haven’t let not leaving for Paraguay stop me from making other changes in my life.

I’ve decided to end my relationship with Erin. It was a decision I made after years of feeling emotionally sedated and after having spent those same years trying to convince myself that I would eventually fall in love with her. I’ve realized that love isn’t something you can force yourself into feeling. And love is something we all deserve; both to love and to be loved. She deserves better than I was capable of giving her.

Leaving Erin meant finding a place of my own to live. After being homeless for a while (but thanks to friends, never without a place) I found an apartment on the other side of town where I and my few belongings now reside. It doesn’t feel like home. It might not for a long time…

And I’ve met someone new. I’ve known her for a while but we only recently began having a relationship. I can already feel myself falling for her and I know that as time goes on I will only fall further in love than I am already. Intellectually it feels strange being in love so soon after leaving a relationship, but emotionally it couldn’t feel more perfect … and I think that’s exactly how love is supposed to be. The mind only complicates matters of the heart.

As I adjust to my new life, I expect to remain a bit reclusive. I’m enjoying my time away from the digital world…

Some people only ever talk about changing their lives. I’m doing it.