Category Archives: Life

Reflections After Ten Years of Sobriety

3 November 2010

14 Comments

Once upon a time…

…I was over at a friend’s house getting stoned, having a good time.  After a few hours I decided to head back to my place, get some food and pass out.  Some friends joined me for the walk home but none of us thought our fun was about to come to an end.

When we got to my apartment, I realized I’d lost my keys and had no way of getting in.  I wasn’t really in the state of mind for problem solving at that moment.  I stood there confused, not knowing what I was going to do.  Should I try breaking in?  After standing there for a couple of minutes, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.  Maybe it was my mom and she could let us in!  Then I heard the sound of a police radio and before I knew what was happening I was standing face to face with a cop asking me my name.  I told him, really not sure why it mattered.  “Turn around and put your hands behind your back.”

I was under arrest.

While he was handcuffing me, I looked at my friends pleading for them to do something.  There was nothing they could do to help me.  The cop put me in his car and drove me to the police station where I was fingerprinted, had my mug shot taken, stripped down for a shower and changed into an orange jumpsuit.  Only a few minutes earlier I was having a great time with my friends, joking with each other, listening to good music.  And now, here I was, a criminal, still completely stoned, faced with a week in jail for contempt of court for failure to pay a ticket.

I had a phone call to make.  I called my mother, in the middle of the night, to tell her that I’d been arrested and needed her help.  She said she’d do what she could but didn’t make any promises.

My jail cell wasn’t a room at the Bellagio.  My accommodations included a steel cot with a thin sleeping pad, a blanket that was too small and a flat pillow that I couldn’t fold enough times to render useful.  Flourescent lights illuminated the room throughout the night, so trying to sleep was almost impossible.  I was cold, alone and afraid.  I didn’t belong here.  I had just turned 18 years old a few days ago and I just wanted to have fun.  I wanted to go to concerts, hangout with friends and spend time with my girlfriend.

It was in this moment that I realized that my life was going down the wrong path and that if I didn’t change, I’d fuck up my entire future.  This is where I’d end up; behind bars, in a concrete room, having to shit in front of the other inmates.

The next morning a guard came to tell me that I’d made bail.  My mom came through for me, but not before a long night in jail thinking about everything that I’d done wrong in my life.  I promised to change.

Making the change wasn’t easy.  I tried to quit drinking and doing drugs but it didn’t take long before I fell back into it.  I didn’t know any other life.  It’s what all my friends were doing.  I had a choice to make.  Either I kept hanging out with my friends and party my ass off or I quit everything and leave my friends behind.  It wasn’t an easy decision to make but I knew I had to leave my friends behind.  Even though I cared about them, I knew they were holding me down and keeping me from becoming the person I wanted to be.  I had to do this for myself.

It’s been ten years since reality provided me with a swift kick in the nuts and I’m proud to say that I haven’t touched so much as a drop of alcohol or any drug since making the decision to get clean.  It hasn’t always been easy but I try to remember that I’m doing this for a reason.  That reason is me, so I can have a great life.  A life that is full of opportunity and excitement.

Sometimes I’ll look at photos of my friends online and see how much fun they’re having at parties and a part of me gets jealous.  That used to me, smiling and laughing with a beer in my hand.  I remember how great it was to just cut loose, forget about the problems and act silly.  I loved it!

But you know what I love even more?  Sobriety.

I have a great life, a life that many of my old friends would be jealous of.  I’m following my dreams and making a life for myself.  I’m furthering my education (only a year to go before I have a degree in Environmental Science with a minor in Chemistry), I’ve traveled around the world, I have a great girlfriend…what more could I ask for?  No drug or drink can ever give me the satisfaction in my life that I have right now…and that makes the occasional struggle worth the effort.

Change is possible.

The Power of a List

12 October 2010

6 Comments

I must apologize.

I feel like I’ve done a terrible job of keeping everyone informed about what’s going on in my life.  Why?  When I write about my life, either I feel like I’m bragging or whining…neither of which I like doing.  And, as much as I try to fill every moment of my time with excitement, not every moment is exciting!  Actually, most days are pretty routine.  I put my pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of the world.

Where I feel like my life diverges from a large portion of people isn’t in how I live my daily life but how I plan for the future.  My eyes are always focused on accomplishing the goals I set for myself and making plans for world domination.  Creating my list of goals has helped me build a remarkable life, even if once in a while (or more often than not) I’m at home reading a book or doing homework.  But just having a list of goals isn’t what makes my life exceptional…lots of people have goals and some of their lists are longer than mine!  No, a list isn’t enough.  Making plans and taking action is what an amazing life is all about.

And I always have a plan.

As a matter of fact, I’m in the process of making plans for four rather significant trips: Japan, France (Spain, Morocco, Italy, Switzerland), Russia (Belarus), and Ethiopia.  Whether these trips come to fruition is not entirely certain but the point is that I’m making plans.  I’m doing what I can to make it all happen.  Making plans gives me something to look forward to and they give me the extra little push I need to make it through the less-than-extraordinary days with a smile.

Every once in a while I’ll read through my list looking for something I can scratch off.  Apparently Erin also looks at my list with the same intentions.  This weekend, thanks to an incredible birthday gift, I’ll be going on a hot-air balloon ride (weather permitting, of course).  And in November, if everything works out, I’ll be traveling to Taiji, Japan to spend a week doing volunteer work with the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, #5 on the list, “Volunteer time with an environmental group”.

I’d like to think I have the ability to convince everyone to write a list of a hundred goals but I know not everyone will.  Some people are too cynical to believe in the power of such a list, minimizing it as just a stupid “Bucket List”.  This isn’t about creating a list of shit to do before you die, it’s about creating a list that’s meant to guide you and help create a meaningful life, not only for yourself but for others as well.

If writing a list of 100 goals seems daunting, don’t get discouraged.  You don’t need to write your list all at once.  Carry it around in your pocket for a week or two.  When something comes to mind, write it down.  I have no doubt that you’ll come up with a hundred goals quicker than you thought possible.  There are so many things in this world to see and experience that you might even have a hard time stopping at one hundred!

In the Blink of an Eye

11 October 2010

2 Comments

Do you care so passionately about something that you’d give up everything to chase after it?

Would you sacrifice the creature comforts of your everyday life or challenge the strength of a relationship?  Could you walk away from a stable career, even if it meant losing the assurance of a steady paycheck?  In the blink of an eye, could you turn your back on life as you now know it to risk turning it into one that dreams are made of?

Most people wouldn’t.

Not because they can’t but because it’s hard.  So many things could go wrong.  It’s far more reasonable (and safe) to stay the course with the life we’ve already created for ourselves.  Life-altering change isn’t something most of us actively seek out.  It’s one of those things that smacks us in the face when we least expect it.

Someone we love dies.  We discover that our partner has been unfaithful.  Maybe we lose our job without warning.

When these things happen, we have a decision to make; either we ignore the problems or we rise to the occasion and turn tragedy into triumph.  But why should we wait for our lives to be flipped head over heals before we become active participants in our destiny?  Why slog through yet another day ignoring our dreams and suffocating our passions.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

The Rulebook of Life doesn’t exist and you don’t need permission from anyone to live life on your own terms.  There’s no reason to spend the rest of your time here on Earth doing something that doesn’t bring you satisfaction or give your life meaning. 

It may not seem like it, but each day we have a choice to make.  Either we can put the right shoe on before the left, just as we always do, and live a repeat of yesterday or we can wake up and make magic happen.

“But I don’t really have a choice and besides, change isn’t practical.”

You do have a choice.  We all do.  The door to life isn’t locked, you just need to give it a little push and it will swing wide open.  No one else can do that for you.  And maybe change isn’t practical, but tell me, what practical person ever influenced history?  It’s the people who took risks and had big dreams that changed the world…will you be one of them?

These are your days, make the most of them.